It used to be that Halloween offered a release valve on the year's serious discourse, a chance to invoke political parody and partake in the grand American tradition of free expression through overpriced synthetic outfits wrinkled from plastic casing. Remember dudes of yore who dressed like topiaries covered in chains? Bush/Cheney? No? Bueller?
Well, those days are done, bubs. Worldwide tensions have not been this high since 2008 when every third woman at the function cosplayed Sarah Palin. People across the thought spectrum are infused with bubbling vengeance this literal spooky season, and no costume will be safe from scrutiny. As the world turns hauntingly punitive, your Halloween getup could easily become sanctionable. Do you want to wake up Nov. 1 with your name on some ominous company letterhead?
In order to stay employed and keep your three remaining Facebook friends, avoid any costumes involving: politics, pop culture, current affairs, video games, music, education, podcasting, social media, algorithms, beloved public broadcasting characters, vaccine-preventable illness, weapons, artificial intelligence, crosswalks, manufacturing, denim clothing, old-timey breakfast restaurants, bodies of water, sports, public safety, hurricanes, nursing, the auto industry, farming, cartoons and certainly all diverse cultural diasporas. And Stephen Colbert.
Here are the acceptable costumes for 2025:
A bear
But keep it generic. You may only be a nondescript brown teddy bear. You may not be a polar bear, as this suggests the existence of climate. You may not be a bear with too much chest hair, as this suggests gay stuff. You may not be a Care Bear, as this suggests empathy.
A plate of peas
This is a very agreeable costume.
A sexy plate of peas?
But don't let too many roll off!
A greige television console
Now is the time to dress as a piece of furniture from Home Goods painted an unsettling combination of beige and gray. If you want to jazz up this boxy style, opt for sliding barn doors in the front. This touch will win you third place in the costume contest just behind peas and sexy peas.
A tooth
No, no, this is fun. Everyone loves teeth! You know, we need them. In theory. Great couples costume idea with the peas. Yeah, teeth! They bring us together as one when it comes to... uh, chewing... ugh, whatever.
A Post-it Note
Please, no messaging. Blank is the way to go. Blank thoughts, blank words, a blank stare into an endless yellow abyss where peace may finally be known.
William Henry Harrison
Listen carefully. If you must mimic a politician, it can only be President William Henry Harrison. He was in office for just 30 days, not enough to get spicy. He died of pneumonia in 1841 after delivering the longest inaugural address in history without wearing a coat or a hat (silly goose). Cautionary tales are still allowed on Halloween, at least of this writing. We will keep you posted.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.
Photo credit: Kenny Eliason at Unsplash
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